Entrepreneurship: A tool for breaking the domestic abuse cycle
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| Published on Wednesday, April 25, 2007 |
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PHILIPSBURG/BASSETERRE: Developing home-based businesses can help to break the cycle of domestic abuse, says Nerissa Golden an entrepreneur and motivational speaker. She believes that if more women are financially capable of caring for themselves and their family, they have more options available for leaving or choosing not to enter an abusive relationship.
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| Entrepreneur and motivational speaker, Nerissa Golden |
The mother of four said being able to work from home and earn an income allowed her to walk away from an abusive marriage in 2005.
“It takes two people to have an abusive relationship. You agree to be the victim by not walking away the first time you are hit, threatened or insulted in the same way they choose to practice verbal, psychological, and physical abuse,” she said.
“The first advice given is always to leave and you should, the minute the abuse happens. But as statistics show, women will leave and return up to nine times before staying out for good. The longer you stay in, the harder it can be to walk away. You have children to deal with, utility bills, bank loans, immigration issues in many cases and a myriad of other complications. Having access to your own income can greatly increase your ability to get out and stay out,” she explained.
Golden admits that leaving an abusive relationship is more than just about finances, the emotional work of rebuilding self-esteem and breaking the fear factors are important to survival and peace of mind. “Sometimes we trade one abusive mate for another, so we need to understand the reasons we signed up for the abuse in the first place. You have to be ready to be honest with yourself and then make a decision that you can live with.”
For Golden, growing up in a Christian home as the daughter of a bishop, getting married seemed the best way to deal with an unplanned pregnancy and reduce the fear of reprisals from family and church. “I felt as if I had done an unforgivable thing and thought marriage was the solution. Even when I realized that the relationship was not a healthy one I was too afraid to leave. I also felt that if I worked harder at fixing the flaws he pointed out, things would work out. And of course I was a Christian so how could I leave?”
Over the six years of her marriage, finances were a constant sore point and she was continuously made to feel small because she was not earning. “I had a college degree and had well paying jobs since leaving high school at 15, but the choice to focus on raising my child while he worked was filled with highs and lows. When things were great it was ok to be a Stay at Home Mom but whenever he was out of work or just stressed financially I was not pulling my weight in the relationship.”
Frequent moves every nine months to a year also hampered her ability to find steady employment. “We were racking up debt and our family was growing, it became harder and harder to leave,” admits the former journalist.
After months of depression from not finding steady work in the UK, where the couple had relocated from Montserrat in 2004, Nerissa took a job with a temp agency. “I must have sent out 100 resumes even interviewed with the BBC at one point and still nothing. My self esteem was in the toilet and I was also homesick for the Caribbean and my family. I needed to get out of the house, I had to do something. I had not been a secretary since I was 16 but I typed letters and made coffee in a psychiatric hospital which gave me time to clear my mind and make decisions about what I wanted out of my life. It also gave me time to pray and ask for the courage to live with my decisions and to stop refusing God’s mercy and love.”
“When I made the decision to leave, not just the UK but my marriage, the depression lifted and I began to see light at the end of the tunnel. It was crazy even thinking about it but I knew when my contract ended with the agency I could not go back, they paid me 150 pounds a week and I was paying the sitter 140. I knew that I needed to be able to stay with the children and work at the same time.”
Luckily a project Nerissa had bid on while on Montserrat finally came through and she was able to stay home and build websites and handle publicity for several government-related agencies. “It brought immense peace of mind and rebuilt my confidence that I could survive on my own. Working and earning an income definitely gave me more options for the future.”
Dr Anita Davis-DeFoe, host of the weekly radio show, Soulfully Speaking on CaribVoice Radio, and an empowerment columnist for She Caribbean Magazine (St Lucia), has seen far too many women caught up in unhealthy relationships, as well as vicious circles dominated by domestic violence and mistreatment.
“What Nerissa Golden describes happens to countless women, but sadly unlike Nerissa, far too many women do not discover their own strength and reclaim their sense of self-worth. Fear, and feeling incapable of achieving self-sufficiency cause some women to remain in psychologically, spiritually and physically abusive relationships for a lifetime; somehow thinking that having some sense of economic survival is better than flying solo and learning how to thrive on your own,” comments Davis-DeFoe, a life coach and author of “A Woman’s Guide to Soulful Living: Seven Keys to Life and Work Success.
Continuing, Davis-DeFoe shared, “Every woman divinely at birth is given gifts and talents that once discovered are the seeds from which entrepreneurial success can be sprouted. Once a woman begins to genuinely focus on her personal passions and defines a life purpose, her sense of self is elevated and then the woman truly begins to understand that she deserves to be treated like the queen that she is, and nothing less will suffice. So often, the perpetrator of the abuse recognizes the personal greatness of the victim and uses the abuse as a means of control, as a tool to keep the woman from surpassing him in life. Nerissa Golden is a testament to what a woman can achieve once she decides to honor her life and insist that others do the same.”
Today Golden is back in the Caribbean and travels regionally encouraging women to release the pain and pursue their passion for living. She was recently the keynote speaker for the Cayman Islands Investment Bureau’s Inspiring Women Entrepreneurs Forum. In 2006, she founded the Victory Christian Academy on St Maarten to create a positive learning environment for her children and other families. That same year, Golden developed the Young Entrepreneurs Symposium (YES), to foster enterprise growth among young men and women. Her second conference will be held on St Kitts from May 23-26, 2007 at the Marriott Resort. Entrepreneurs from around the Caribbean gather to learn from more experienced business owners and financial experts to network and develop new business partnerships.
Golden suggests that women start a business in an area they enjoy. “If you enjoy cooking, consider making warm meals for the lunch crowd in a business district or construction zone. Find out what the health and hygiene requirements are and meet them, create a budget, your flyers and plenty of word of mouth. If you enjoy sewing, then begin to charge for repairing and making clothes in your town. Also, start with what you have available. If you can only manage supplies for one day, then start with that and reinvest it to purchase goods for the next. Soon you will be able to buy your supplies in bulk. The options are as vast as your mind and it will work if you put your heart and your mind into it.” | | | | Reads : 323 | | | |
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