Anthony L. Hall is a descendant of the Turks & Caicos Islands, international lawyer and political consultant - headquartered in Washington DC - who publishes his own Internet Weblog at www.theipinionsjournal.com offering commentaries on current events from a Caribbean perspective

Therefore, despite the local coroner’s premature pronouncements, which fueled celebrity gossip that foul play was involved, I’m sure the Bahamian government was relieved when world-renowned pathologist Dr Cyril Wecht determined that his cause of death was a lethal cocktail of prescription drugs, which he took to feed an addiction he probably inherited from his mother…. 

And, that should have been the end of this family tragedy being played out in our island paradise.  Except that just days before her son’s death, Anna Nicole had given birth to a baby girl - in the same hospital where her son died - with almost as much contrived fanfare as that which occasioned the birth of Angelina Jolie’s child in Namibia earlier this year.

But, unlike Namibians, Bahamians were not impressed (or deluded) by claims that the birth of a celebrity’s child would boost our tourist economy.  Little did we expect, however, that it would grow into the international spectacle (and national scandal) it has become. 

So, here’s my take -- in soap-opera digest fashion -- on this still unfolding drama:

After TRIMSPA diet pills allowed Anna Nicole to unveil her playboy-bunny figure, which had been hibernating inside an obese shape for years, she wasted little time behaving like a white rabbit in heat.  And everyone from her nerdy lawyer/manager to a dashing Hollywood photographer was amongst those who tried to satiate her fecund lust.

Therefore, it was no surprise that when she finally got knocked-up, the congenitally ditzy Anna Nicole seemed confused about who her “baby Daddy” was. However, her two most solicitous sperm donors harboured no doubt.  Because when the photographer found out that she was with child, he “naturally” assumed it was he.  But then Anna Nicole fled to The Bahamas to give birth - with her lawyer in tow, proclaiming he was the father to be.

Then, in a move that seemed bizarre even by the standards of Anna Nicole’s reality-TV, she and her lawyer announced that they had gotten married just days after the birth of her daughter and burial of her son. But I suspect that theirs is nothing more than a marriage of convenience (or just an idle ruse) designed to frustrate the photographer’s claim.

Now the Bahamian government has become ensnared in a scandal of its own. Because members of the opposition party are accusing the minister of immigration of taking bribes from Anna Nicole to fast track her permanent-residency application.  And the minister, in turn, is accusing lawyers at the nation’s most prestigious law firm of negligence, bordering on fraud, for filing residency papers on her behalf under false pretenses.

Of course, this would all be very entertaining if it were not so serious.  So serious, in fact, that the minister in question took to the floor of Parliament this week to defend his integrity and demand that Anna Nicole’s lawyers “resign forthwith” (whatever that means…).  But, proffering their supercilious defense, the lawyers insist that the minister’s histrionics amount to much ado about nothing.  And they claim to have proper documentation and finances to purchase Anna Nicole’s legal status as a permanent resident of The Bahamas.  (All of which will be presented in due course, I’m sure….)

Meanwhile, most Bahamians are simply stupefied by this public row between our political leaders and distinguished lawyers over this B-list celebrity.  Never mind that the leader of the opposition has made us seem like a nation of hypocrites by asserting that Anna Nicole should be declared persona non grata and kicked out of The Bahamas for being morally unfit.  After all, if we were to begin enforcing a litmus test of moral rectitude for all permanent residents, it would seem far more just to begin by kicking out the drug barons and financial swindlers who have found safe haven there….

As things stand, Anna Nicole and her lawyer/manager/hubby have launched a PR campaign to trade on the antic coupling of her grief over the loss of her son and her joy over being a new mother and “blushing bride” to win the hearts, if not the minds, of local authorities.  Because they have made no secret of their desperate intent to “reside in The Bahamas for the rest of lives.” 

Nonetheless, enquiring minds would like to know why they are so eager to hide away from the photographer’s paternity suit….

NOTE:  The Bahamians responsible for elevating this farce to a national debate should be ashamed of themselves. Indeed, who would’ve thought that Anna Nicole could make erstwhile respectable politicians and accomplished professionals, even in a “banana republic”, look like fools?

Moreover, instead of demanding the heads of the lawyers involved, I suggest the minister of immigration demand that Anna Nicole produce the documents and financing necessary to fund her permanent residency, forthwith, or be deported… post haste!