Reprinted from Caribbean Net News
caribbeannetnews.com
I promised at the end of last week’s column -- entitled 2005: The year in review -- that this week I would offer predictions for 2006. So, here goes:
Caribbean
Later this month, Caribbean leaders meeting in Jamaica to pledge their allegiance to CARICOM (and its phantom CSME) will be shocked when Jamaican Prime Minister PJ Patterson pulls a Napoleonic stunt by proclaiming himself King of the Caribbean Commonwealth and having his favourite reggae band play an adaptation of the Billy Ocean song “Caribbean [King]” to herald his coronation.
Meanwhile, the Bahamians -- who kept one foot outside CARICOM because they always suspected Patterson’s imperial motives -- will instead pledge their allegiance to China. And, like Lucayan Indians showing goodwill toward Columbus, they will offer their uninhabited 650 islands and 2,400 cays as a penal colony so the Chinese government can banish the peasants who participated in over 70,000 riots last year (for their piece of the economic pie) -- the way the British banished their unruly subjects to Australia during the 19th century.
Unlike the Jamaican bobsledders who were little more than mascots performing a cheap marketing gimmick for the Jamaica Tourist Board, a Trinidadian downhill skier will make us proud by becoming the first Caribbean native to win a gold medal at the Winter Olympics this February in Turin, Italy.
Europe
In a triumph of diplomacy that would make Neville Chamberlain blush with envy, Europeans will announce (to anxious Israelis and their trigger-happy American protectors) that they have succeeded not only in disabusing the Iranians of their nuclear ambitions but also in converting their genocidal President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad -- who declared that Israel should be wiped off the map -- to Christianity.
To prevent infernal Muslims from setting cars ablaze all over the country again this year, the French government will announce a 10 billion euro plan to outfit every car in non-Muslim areas of France with fire retardant coating.
Last year, when he was only heir to the Monegasque throne of Monaco, Prince Albert denied his penchant for making babies with his African concubines for fear of being disinherited. But having now ascended the throne, he will issue a royal decree this year not only confirming his affliction with jungle fever but also calling for all members of his palace staff to be replaced with Nubian women (from East Africa) to tend to his every need.
Latin America
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez will modify his highly touted PetroCaribe Oil initiative by requiring all governments that signed-up for his oil at cut-rate prices to broadcast live his weekly sermons on the virtues of socialism and vices of America to every household in their respective countries.
Former soccer star (think Michael Jordan fame) and recovering drug addict Diego Maradona will use his extremely popular Oprah-style talk show to debunk Latin America’s machismo myth by announcing that he’s gay.
Asia
Diplomatic bickering between China and Japan over historical distortions in Japanese school books will escalate into open warfare when Chinese action hero Zūn Lóng (The Last Emperor, Rush Hour) kidnaps the forlorned Japanese Crown Princess Masako from her gilded cage (banished there for failing to produce a male heir) after they fall in love…over the Internet.
In a last desperate move to avoid annexation by China, Taiwan will petition the United States to become an unincorporated territory under the plenary powers of the U.S. Congress…just like the American colony of Puerto Rico.
Africa
In a bid to revive the pan-African vision of Abraham Licoln, Marcus Garvey and Kwame Nkrumah, the Organization of African Unity will appoint Rev Jesse Jackson as president of the African diaspora with a mandate to shakedown the U.S. government -- the way he has shaken-down so many U.S. corporations -- for one trillion dollars in reparations: To repatriate blacks left homeless by Hurricane Katrina and all others who truly believe they are more African than American. (And, to show love for his African brothers, Rev Jackson will take only 33% instead of his usual 51% cut.)
To relieve South Africa of the dubious honour of having the highest incidence of HIV/AIDS on the planet, President Thabo Mbeki will sign an executive order requiring all unmarried women to wear leather chastity belts that will be taken off only on their wedding day.
North America
Hoping to upstage Taiwan and the dithering Puerto Rico, Canada will abandon its pretense of independence and declare its intent to become the 51st state of the United States of North America.
Alas, many “African Americans” believe that President Bush hates black people. But in one of his year-end interviews, Bush denied this by saying that “you can call me anything, just don’t call me a racist!” And, he said it with a passion rarely seen in this cool-as-a-cucumber cowboy. Little did he know, however, that later this year his fun-loving daughter Jenna will test his love for black people when she announces her engagement to hip hop rapper Kanye West.
NOTE: There you have it, my predictions for 2006. As a lawyer, however, I feel constrained to counsel all readers against betting the family’s savings or the kids’ lunch money or anything of any value on any of them coming true…
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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